{"id":28859,"date":"2023-02-09T10:15:09","date_gmt":"2023-02-09T17:15:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/waterfordschool.org\/?p=28859"},"modified":"2023-02-09T11:30:30","modified_gmt":"2023-02-09T18:30:30","slug":"ideals-of-parenthood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/waterfordschool.org\/blog\/ideals-of-parenthood\/","title":{"rendered":"The Ideals of Parenthood"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Casey O’Malley, Academic Dean<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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I was asked to speak at this Parents\u2019 Visiting Day\u2026 I\u2019ll tell you my first reaction was \u201cme? But I don\u2019t know anything about being a parent! I\u2019ve only been fumbling along at this for five months! Everyone in the audience will have been at this for fourteen or fifteen years! They\u2019re experts! They know exactly what they\u2019re doing all the time!\u201d which I\u2019m sure is how I\u2019ll feel in fourteen years\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had my first baby in August. It sort of feels like a time-warp situation because August really wasn\u2019t that long ago, and in some ways the time has gone by in the blink of an eye, but also, my life before having my daughter in it seems incredibly distant. I know right now, my life feels very full and busy (even though I rarely leave the house after 5 pm). I also know that BEFORE my daughter was born, I was a classic \u201cbusy person\u201d\u2026 and I can\u2019t for the life of me remember what in the world I did on weekends or evenings that made me feel so busy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve read that the neurological changes that your brain undergoes as you become a parent are some of the largest in your life \u2014 akin to the changes that happen in adolescence. As I\u2019ve undergone this transition, I can\u2019t help but be stricken with the irony that so much of the advice and guidance I\u2019ve needed is nearly identical to that that I dole out to my students. In a perfect flip, I have become the student that I so often worry about and get exasperated by. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When students are overwhelmed and staring down a looming deadline, the advice I so often give is: Talk to your teachers. Check in with your dean. Avoid the siren song of Google and advice of an online website that you don\u2019t know or trust. There are SO MANY ADULTS who care about you on this campus. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And, what does my midnight Google history reveal? Evidence of my complete and total rejection of my own advice. My late night wakeups are documented with truly, truly absurd questions I have thrown out into the void of the internet, hoping that maybe some stranger can give me an answer. \u201cHow much spit up before its a problem.\u201d \u201cis it normal for an 8 week old to not poop for a week.\u201d \u201chow many viruses does the average baby get in daycare in a year.\u201d \u201cis teething a nightmare for everyone.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, saying these things out loud makes me feel patently ridiculous. And, part of me knows that my midnight googling isn\u2019t really looking for an answer, per se. Intellectually, I know that a random blog post from a source of questionable credentials I find on the internet is not actually helpful \u2014 even if (perhaps especially if) it gives me the answer I want. But when I\u2019m on minute forty-five of rocking in a glider at 4 am in the perfect rhythm and at the perfect incline to soothe a sick baby back to sleep, I am beyond any sort of intellectual reasoning. I just want to know that someone else has had the same question, has had the same struggle, and that me and my baby are not totally outliers. I want to know that someone else has traveled this path. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I just said reminds me of what I see in students. Gosh, of what I see in people in general. Isn\u2019t that what we all want \u2014 a way to be reassured that yes, you are doing ok, yes, you are figuring it out, yes, this too shall pass, and no, you are not the first person in the world to have this struggle, and yes, someone can help. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve tried to start applying the advice I give to students to my own journey of learning to become a parent. I\u2019m trying to limit my googling \u2014 midnight or otherwise. I\u2019ve started instead sending text messages to other parents, regardless of the hour and regardless of how long it\u2019s been since I last connected with them. It\u2019s led to some beautiful moments of reconnection with old grad school, college, and even high school friends who I know have recently had children.  A 3am text that said \u201cplease tell me your secrets about how to get your baby to take a bottle\u201d led me to a phone call with someone who had been a dear friend from high school I haven\u2019t spoken to in about eight years. Yes, we may fall out of touch for another long spell, but this brief moment of connection was beautiful.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A good friend of mine has almost the same advice for nearly any query that I send her way: \u201cRemember that everything changes in two weeks.\u201d  It\u2019s become something of a mantra of mine. It\u2019s gotten me through the 4 month sleep regression, the changes in our routine when I came back to Waterford, any especially temperamental phase that my daughter goes through. It is a good reminder that all the toughest times will pass. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are two other facets to this piece of advice as well, though. One is bittersweet \u2014 the beautiful, fun phases are also fleeting. The really cute way she smiles about ten seconds after falling asleep. The little humming sounds she makes when she is sleepy, content, and full. Her current phase of mobility \u2014 an adorably inefficient scootch that while technically effective, is not fast at all. I know that at some moment, perhaps soon!, she will do all of those things for the last time and move on to a totally new way of being a human.  While the core of who my daughter is starting to become apparent \u2014 she\u2019s got an undeniable independent streak, is very social, and already has a developed sense of humor \u2014 I know that the way this manifests is going to shift and evolve and near constant rate of change throughout the rest of her baby-hood, childhood, and into her adolescence. I already feel a sense of nostalgia for the phases that she has outgrown, and I feel a sense of preemptive sentimentality for the phases that she has not yet gone through but that I know will also be temporary. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The other side to this piece of advice that \u201ceverything changes in two weeks\u201d that I keep in mind is that it means I will always be learning something. Just as soon as I feel like I\u2019ve figured out a routine or a response, I know there will be a new phase and a new adjustment required. There are times when this can feel daunting and exhausting (for example \u2014 this weekend, when I was on a tail-end of yet another daycare virus, minimal sleep, and trying to generate some eloquent thoughts for this talk on the ideals of parenthood!). But in my best moments, I can look on this with excitement for the continuous learning journey that is in front of me. I have always thought of myself as a lifelong learner, but somehow, I didn\u2019t realize until I had my daughter that parenthood seems to be the ultimate incarnation of that identity. I can think of no other role, even that of a teacher, that requires so much reflection, constant reevaluation, and commitment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And how much does that sound like being an upper school student? A constant expectation that you are learning and growing. The quick pace of change. Whether it\u2019s the unit in pre calc that you are studying, some challenges with a friend, or whatever\u2019s trending on TikTok (are y\u2019all still on tiktok? sorry, I\u2019m getting old! I\u2019m even a parent now!), \u2014 everything will be different in two weeks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And while I don\u2019t know (yet), I am guessing that as I continue to grow as a parent, change will be the one constant that I can rely upon. I\u2019m sure that everything will continue to change faster than I expect in both welcome and unwelcome ways. Everything will be different in two weeks \u2014 that\u2019s my message to myself (and perhaps subtly to you, students) that we can both endure anything and should cherish everything.  <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Casey O’Malley, Academic Dean I was asked to speak at this Parents\u2019 Visiting Day\u2026…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":28860,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"content-type":"","inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/waterfordschool.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28859"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/waterfordschool.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/waterfordschool.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/waterfordschool.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/waterfordschool.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=28859"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/waterfordschool.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28859\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/waterfordschool.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/28860"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/waterfordschool.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=28859"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/waterfordschool.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=28859"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/waterfordschool.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=28859"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}